Being a Good Mom

I am struggling with being a good mom.  I know that I give myself such high expectations, yet, it is not easy settling for something less than you want to be.  I had this "Grand Idea" that fostering Ganga and Jamuna would be challenging, "but would fill my heart with so much joy that we are doing the right thing by rescuing these girls", that I would be totally ok. HA! THIS IS HARD WORK.  It takes every bit of patience that I ever had and pulling in reserves that I am still looking for. I talked last time about the noise... I do really struggle with the noise, I start to freak out when there is too much...   5 o'clock is usually my breaking point, getting dinner ready, Bollywood music blaring in the background, usually put on a cartoon for Gracie so I can get dinner ready undisturbed, Charlotte in the highchair throwing Cheerios everywhere, or crying because I cannot hold her... Such a relief when Stephen comes in the door... I HAVE HELP!  He gives me kiss, then proceeds to kiss each one of his girls, gets changed...  then the noise escalates from 5 to 10!  He chases, spins, tickles etc, all part of being the amazing dad that he is, but it brings me closer to my margarita (which is becoming more of just a tequila drink with a squeeze of mix in it.) Usually after dinner, I go retreat to my bedroom for 30 minutes or so, just to get a break and come back to ground zero.
I know the hard part comes from having no kids to 4 kids in a matter of three years.  There was not time to "slowly get used to it" Insert 13 year olds, a 2 year old and a infant in the mix, and I have the most needy ages possible.  Usually 13 year olds are not needy, they want nothing to do with you, but since the girls were pretty much neglected their whole life, they feed off attention, bad or good attention I should clarify. Hey, I get it, I love that we can give it to them, it doesn't mean it is easy being asked the same question 10 times just to make sure we did not change our minds and give them more empty promises.  In sales, you learn to "close the deal" asking a question that locks someone into the next meeting or purchasing something... These girls are masters at "closing"  "Can I get my haircut Amanda? " " Sure Jamuna" I say, "when school is out".  "At 12 on Thursday then"she says( the exact time school is out for the summer) Then proceeds to tell me every day for the last week about it, making sure it is going to happen.  You can't just tell them, we will go to the beach, or rollerskating sometime in the future... When? What time?
My goal is to have a family that knows nothing of being "foster kids", that we are one, united in our love for each other, and our love for God...   My little ones do not know a life without Ganga and Jamuna, it is taking me a little longer.  Grace and Charlotte give me hugs, kisses and cuddles.  Cry for me when they are scared, sing songs backwards and melt our hearts.  Ganga and Jamuna can't do that, I missed that with them.  Do love them? Absolutely, for every birthday and holiday they spend so much time making homemade cards that do melt our hearts.  Stickers, pens, glitter... mostly love.  From those cards, we know that we are doing something right: "thank you so much for letting us into your family" "You are so nice." Really? that one always gets me:) "You are the best dad I ever had" "Thank you for taking me to Chipolte and to ice cream" ...   We need to hear that, it is good for my heart and soul and makes the really hard times easier, and the great times even better They are genuinely sweet girls, I am working on more and more the thought that they are MY girls, and they are God's children just like Grace and Charlotte, and though they do not have my DNA, we are their parents, we are their shelter, we are their safe harbor. 
Our life is blessed, but my goodness it is not easy.