I am struggling with being a good mom. I know that I give myself such high expectations, yet, it is not easy settling for something less than you want to be. I had this "Grand Idea" that fostering Ganga and Jamuna would be challenging, "but would fill my heart with so much joy that we are doing the right thing by rescuing these girls", that I would be totally ok. HA! THIS IS HARD WORK. It takes every bit of patience that I ever had and pulling in reserves that I am still looking for. I talked last time about the noise... I do really struggle with the noise, I start to freak out when there is too much... 5 o'clock is usually my breaking point, getting dinner ready, Bollywood music blaring in the background, usually put on a cartoon for Gracie so I can get dinner ready undisturbed, Charlotte in the highchair throwing Cheerios everywhere, or crying because I cannot hold her... Such a relief when Stephen comes in the door... I HAVE HELP! He gives me kiss, then proceeds to kiss each one of his girls, gets changed... then the noise escalates from 5 to 10! He chases, spins, tickles etc, all part of being the amazing dad that he is, but it brings me closer to my margarita (which is becoming more of just a tequila drink with a squeeze of mix in it.) Usually after dinner, I go retreat to my bedroom for 30 minutes or so, just to get a break and come back to ground zero.
I know the hard part comes from having no kids to 4 kids in a matter of three years. There was not time to "slowly get used to it" Insert 13 year olds, a 2 year old and a infant in the mix, and I have the most needy ages possible. Usually 13 year olds are not needy, they want nothing to do with you, but since the girls were pretty much neglected their whole life, they feed off attention, bad or good attention I should clarify. Hey, I get it, I love that we can give it to them, it doesn't mean it is easy being asked the same question 10 times just to make sure we did not change our minds and give them more empty promises. In sales, you learn to "close the deal" asking a question that locks someone into the next meeting or purchasing something... These girls are masters at "closing" "Can I get my haircut Amanda? " " Sure Jamuna" I say, "when school is out". "At 12 on Thursday then"she says( the exact time school is out for the summer) Then proceeds to tell me every day for the last week about it, making sure it is going to happen. You can't just tell them, we will go to the beach, or rollerskating sometime in the future... When? What time?
My goal is to have a family that knows nothing of being "foster kids", that we are one, united in our love for each other, and our love for God... My little ones do not know a life without Ganga and Jamuna, it is taking me a little longer. Grace and Charlotte give me hugs, kisses and cuddles. Cry for me when they are scared, sing songs backwards and melt our hearts. Ganga and Jamuna can't do that, I missed that with them. Do love them? Absolutely, for every birthday and holiday they spend so much time making homemade cards that do melt our hearts. Stickers, pens, glitter... mostly love. From those cards, we know that we are doing something right: "thank you so much for letting us into your family" "You are so nice." Really? that one always gets me:) "You are the best dad I ever had" "Thank you for taking me to Chipolte and to ice cream" ... We need to hear that, it is good for my heart and soul and makes the really hard times easier, and the great times even better They are genuinely sweet girls, I am working on more and more the thought that they are MY girls, and they are God's children just like Grace and Charlotte, and though they do not have my DNA, we are their parents, we are their shelter, we are their safe harbor.
Our life is blessed, but my goodness it is not easy.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Here we go again
Since it has been over a year... I am just going to start over!
I'm Amanda, and I am mother. Sometimes I feel that is all I am... though I am also a lover of Jesus, laundry master, personal chef, house cleaner, home school teacher, wife, daughter and friend (in that order)... the list can go on:) I have four absolutely beautiful daughters, 2 biological, and 2 foster that are here for the long haul. First came Grace, 7 months after our marriage, no, she was not a preemie, not something I am proud of, but that "accident" turned out to be the biggest blessing that I could possibly imagine. I married my best friend faster than we thought, which only turned out to be awesome:) Marriage was already on the table... this just accelerated it. Grace will be 3 in a month and has absolutely melted our hearts from day 1. She is the best cuddler, singer, helper and has such a happy disposition... She is also one of most stubborn little ones that I have ever seen... Takes after both Stephen and I on that one.
Here she is enjoying a chocolate cupcake:)
When Grace was just a little over 1, we got pregnant, when I was 4 months pregnant, we decided to take on twins... from another country... that were 12.. spoke little English... hated American food... had no idea of manners.... were abused... and generally showed no respect for adults (why should they, they were beaten by every adult that they were close too.) Bring into the picture Ganga and Jamuna... After many, many hours of prayer we decided to take them on as our own. It was clear to us God wanted us to do it, and He pretty much had to make it seamless, or else we would back down... and He did. More info is discussed in my prior entries. They are now almost 14, and exemplifying the teenage attitude. They love being a part of our family, love being big sisters to the two little ones, and for the first time in their life, feel safe. Ganga is more of the introvert, Jamuna very much the extrovert. Both love to challenge us on everything we ask and say (what teenager doesn't) They have not lost their love for Bollywood movies, and enjoy dancing and dancing and dancing to songs in the movies. (*did you know that EVERY Bollywood movie is a musical? Oy vay!) So, we just put them in a Bollywood dance class, and they totally are all about it. They struggle with school because they had received no eduaction prior to coming to the US, so basic math skills are seriously lacking.... but they can read now! A year ago that was not true! It is at a beginning level, but still, they are not asking us what every single word is in every single sentence on every single page. They are great girls that have gone through sooooooooooo much, more than anyone of us can imagine, they are relatively adjusted (given the circumstance) and have huge hearts, both want to go to college then go help little kids...
Just the three enjoying a day at the beach.
5 months after the arrival of twins, we were blessed with the birth of Ms Charlotte Joy. Like her older sister, she is a cuddler, and for the most part a happy baby... We really struggled with her tummy from the get go... After months of trial and error, and sleepless nights, we found that while breastfeeding I could not have any dairy, potatoes, beans or fried food.... Then I had a problem producing enough milk for her, which could have been due to stress... or the pharmacy totally messing up my birth control dosage.. don't even get me started... She is now 10 months, and Oh I can't imagine my life without her, she is the happiest little munchkin on the planet, and loves to join in on the tickling, rough-housing and singing that goes on in this house. She also loves to sleep with Mommy and Daddy after the 2 am wake-up...
Here she is at 9 months... Did I mention that she has more hair than most 2 year olds?
Over all the girls are all great...
Life can get overwhelming. All together the noise that comes from the kids + Bollywood music + Caliou + crying + screaming (whether happy are angry) + the older girls both suffer from hearing loss in both their ears, so they talk at a higher decibel than normal..... can make me go into convulsions, or hide in my closet in the fetal position (that only happened once:) ) I am not used to the noise, the constant questions... I swear the older girls just like to hear themselves talk, they have even said they do not like the sound of silence, so they do everything in their power to never have it silent! Me, I come from being pretty much an only child (my sisters are 8+ years older than me, and moved out of our house when I was young) It was just my mom and I for the most part, my dad traveled most of the time... Silence was golden, not that we didn't talk, we did, but it was just 2 of us!
Stephen and I have VERY little time to ourselves... we had 4 kids in 2 years, and really go to bed at night sometimes just barely saying more than sentences to each-other. If we did not have the help of my dear God parents Jack and Monica Zweers, we would never see each other. They give us date nights.... As well as when any family comes to visit, they know that they are welcome to stay, but have to provide a date night.... Stephen and I are rock solid, we make the time count, we know we love each-other and we really work hard to make sure the other feels appreciated.
I love my husband, not only is he the best father my girls could have... he is funny, compassionate, understanding, checks me so I don't go off the deep end. Most of all, he is a man of God, all decisions for our family comes through prayer... whether it be together, or alone, we pray.... We see God bless us in every aspect of our lives... The twins, could have so many issues, but don't have major ones (right now) Whenever we are wondering how we are going to eat this pay period...we are able to sell something on Craigslist, or his boss saw that he is doing a great job and gave him a little bonus. Random gifts of formula from my mom, a really good coupon to get Diapers...Stephen getting laid off and finding a new job the next day, a better job, one he actually likes!! God is always watching out for us, I am learning not to doubt, as long as we are living for Him, and not for ourselves..
I'm Amanda, and I am mother. Sometimes I feel that is all I am... though I am also a lover of Jesus, laundry master, personal chef, house cleaner, home school teacher, wife, daughter and friend (in that order)... the list can go on:) I have four absolutely beautiful daughters, 2 biological, and 2 foster that are here for the long haul. First came Grace, 7 months after our marriage, no, she was not a preemie, not something I am proud of, but that "accident" turned out to be the biggest blessing that I could possibly imagine. I married my best friend faster than we thought, which only turned out to be awesome:) Marriage was already on the table... this just accelerated it. Grace will be 3 in a month and has absolutely melted our hearts from day 1. She is the best cuddler, singer, helper and has such a happy disposition... She is also one of most stubborn little ones that I have ever seen... Takes after both Stephen and I on that one.
Here she is enjoying a chocolate cupcake:)
When Grace was just a little over 1, we got pregnant, when I was 4 months pregnant, we decided to take on twins... from another country... that were 12.. spoke little English... hated American food... had no idea of manners.... were abused... and generally showed no respect for adults (why should they, they were beaten by every adult that they were close too.) Bring into the picture Ganga and Jamuna... After many, many hours of prayer we decided to take them on as our own. It was clear to us God wanted us to do it, and He pretty much had to make it seamless, or else we would back down... and He did. More info is discussed in my prior entries. They are now almost 14, and exemplifying the teenage attitude. They love being a part of our family, love being big sisters to the two little ones, and for the first time in their life, feel safe. Ganga is more of the introvert, Jamuna very much the extrovert. Both love to challenge us on everything we ask and say (what teenager doesn't) They have not lost their love for Bollywood movies, and enjoy dancing and dancing and dancing to songs in the movies. (*did you know that EVERY Bollywood movie is a musical? Oy vay!) So, we just put them in a Bollywood dance class, and they totally are all about it. They struggle with school because they had received no eduaction prior to coming to the US, so basic math skills are seriously lacking.... but they can read now! A year ago that was not true! It is at a beginning level, but still, they are not asking us what every single word is in every single sentence on every single page. They are great girls that have gone through sooooooooooo much, more than anyone of us can imagine, they are relatively adjusted (given the circumstance) and have huge hearts, both want to go to college then go help little kids...
Just the three enjoying a day at the beach.
5 months after the arrival of twins, we were blessed with the birth of Ms Charlotte Joy. Like her older sister, she is a cuddler, and for the most part a happy baby... We really struggled with her tummy from the get go... After months of trial and error, and sleepless nights, we found that while breastfeeding I could not have any dairy, potatoes, beans or fried food.... Then I had a problem producing enough milk for her, which could have been due to stress... or the pharmacy totally messing up my birth control dosage.. don't even get me started... She is now 10 months, and Oh I can't imagine my life without her, she is the happiest little munchkin on the planet, and loves to join in on the tickling, rough-housing and singing that goes on in this house. She also loves to sleep with Mommy and Daddy after the 2 am wake-up...
Here she is at 9 months... Did I mention that she has more hair than most 2 year olds?
Over all the girls are all great...
Life can get overwhelming. All together the noise that comes from the kids + Bollywood music + Caliou + crying + screaming (whether happy are angry) + the older girls both suffer from hearing loss in both their ears, so they talk at a higher decibel than normal..... can make me go into convulsions, or hide in my closet in the fetal position (that only happened once:) ) I am not used to the noise, the constant questions... I swear the older girls just like to hear themselves talk, they have even said they do not like the sound of silence, so they do everything in their power to never have it silent! Me, I come from being pretty much an only child (my sisters are 8+ years older than me, and moved out of our house when I was young) It was just my mom and I for the most part, my dad traveled most of the time... Silence was golden, not that we didn't talk, we did, but it was just 2 of us!
Stephen and I have VERY little time to ourselves... we had 4 kids in 2 years, and really go to bed at night sometimes just barely saying more than sentences to each-other. If we did not have the help of my dear God parents Jack and Monica Zweers, we would never see each other. They give us date nights.... As well as when any family comes to visit, they know that they are welcome to stay, but have to provide a date night.... Stephen and I are rock solid, we make the time count, we know we love each-other and we really work hard to make sure the other feels appreciated.
I love my husband, not only is he the best father my girls could have... he is funny, compassionate, understanding, checks me so I don't go off the deep end. Most of all, he is a man of God, all decisions for our family comes through prayer... whether it be together, or alone, we pray.... We see God bless us in every aspect of our lives... The twins, could have so many issues, but don't have major ones (right now) Whenever we are wondering how we are going to eat this pay period...we are able to sell something on Craigslist, or his boss saw that he is doing a great job and gave him a little bonus. Random gifts of formula from my mom, a really good coupon to get Diapers...Stephen getting laid off and finding a new job the next day, a better job, one he actually likes!! God is always watching out for us, I am learning not to doubt, as long as we are living for Him, and not for ourselves..
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